obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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