he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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