I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
