But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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