Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
