You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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