There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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