I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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