Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
