are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
