I CAN MOONWALK!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
