Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
