Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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