I should be sponsored by Trojan
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
