Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
