i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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