Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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