I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
