Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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