I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i dont even know how to be here
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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