You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
