And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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