I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
false alarm. still invincible.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
