"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
