I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
