I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
