Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
