She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
