and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
