So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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