we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
