just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
