So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Hippo gnu deer
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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