saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
