Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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