you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
