Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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