I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
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