Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
