He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
