I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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