I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
