True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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