You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
