The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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