I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
