Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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