Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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