my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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