She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
ok first of all what the fuck
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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