I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
