somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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