put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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