I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
