I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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