I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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