he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
