nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
