I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dick very happy bro
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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