Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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