Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
